Creative Minds – Dorking

When a child says they don’t want to see a parent, it can put adults in an incredibly difficult position.

Sometimes it’s brushed aside as defiance.

Sometimes it’s labelled as manipulation.

Sometimes it’s seen as “just a phase.”

But very often, it’s communication.

Children don’t usually have the emotional language to explain why something feels hard. Instead, they show us through behaviour — tears at handover, stomach aches, anger, silence, shutdown.

When we repeatedly force a child into contact they are distressed about, even with good intentions, there can be emotional consequences.

What Can Happen When Feelings Are Dismissed

1. Anxiety Can Increase

If a child feels unheard, their body may stay in a heightened stress state. You might notice:

• Sleep disruption
• Physical complaints (tummy aches, headaches)
• Clinginess or regression
• Emotional outbursts before or after contact

Their nervous system may begin to associate that parent — or the transition itself — with threat rather than safety.

2. Trust Can Erode

When children say, “I don’t want to go,” and consistently feel overruled without being listened to, they may internalise:

• “My feelings don’t matter.”
• “No one will protect me.”
• “It’s safer not to speak up.”

Over time, this can impact how safe they feel expressing emotions in other areas of life too.

3. Loyalty Conflicts Can Deepen

Children in separated families already carry a heavy emotional load. If they feel pushed into something they’re resistant to, they may:

• Feel guilty for upsetting one parent
• Feel pressured to hide their true feelings
• Feel torn between love and fear

This emotional splitting can be exhausting for a child.

4. Behaviour Can Escalate

When a child feels powerless, behaviour is often the outlet. You might see:

• Increased defiance
• School difficulties
• Withdrawal
• Anger toward the “safe” parent

It isn’t always about disobedience. Sometimes it’s about distress.

This Is Not About Cutting Contact

It’s important to say: children benefit from safe, healthy relationships with both parents whenever possible.

The goal is not to sever connection.

The goal is emotional safety.

Sometimes that might mean:

• Slower transitions
• Shorter visits
• Supported handovers
• Therapeutic input
• Space to listen before deciding

When children feel heard, even if contact still happens, their nervous system softens. Being listened to changes everything.

A Gentle Question for Parents

Instead of asking:

“Why are you being difficult?”

Try:

“What feels hard about going?”

You may not always get a clear answer. But the invitation to speak matters.

A Reminder

Children rarely reject a parent without a reason.

That reason might be:

• Fear
• Overwhelm
• Change
• Misunderstanding
• Or something they don’t yet have words for

Listening does not mean agreeing.

It means gathering information.

And emotional safety is always the foundation from which healthy relationships grow.